“Oh fuck that,” exclaims Yanira when she sees the unisex bathroom line in the crowded Williamsburg club. She walks over to her friends dancing to “I’m a Slave 4 U” and tells them she will be back in 5 minutes. She drunkenly stumbles out of the packed establishment to a dimly-lit, secluded street and finds a dark construction site to pee in. She removes her coat, then her sweater, then her romper, and finally her spanx so she can begin to squat and pee. She hears rustling in the work yard of a future high rise condo only rich Europeans can afford. “It’s probably just a rat.”
She gets dressed, and as she puts her coat on, a voice says, “You got sick of the line, too.” She turns around and see’s a 6-foot-tall, Caucasian man.
“Did you fucking watch me pee?” she says.
“Nah I just had to pee so bad myself.” They both laugh.
They walk back to the club together, making dumb jokes about peeing and continuing to give each other wet-hands high fives. As they turn the corner, she sees that her new friend has blonde hair, blue eyes, and is wearing a Patagonia vest over a light pink button down shirt. She gets nervous.
“I don’t think I caught your name Pee Boy.”
“Oh my name is Connor. What is your name?”
“My name is Yanira.”
“Wow that is a cool name. Is that South African or something?”
“No, it’s Dominican.”
“Oh Dominican Republican! I went there for spring break back when I was at college. I went to a resort and got super hammered.”
“Oh.” She follows her instinct and turns away and proceeds to enter the club and forget Connor ever happened. As she enters the crowd, dancing to “Poison,” she feels an arm lightly graze hers.
“Hey Yanira, you want a drink?"
Yanira thinks about how her next paycheck is only 4 days away and how 35 dollars has to last until then.
“Yes! Get me a Jameson Ginger please!”
His thin lips smile, “Hell yea! I should of known Pee Girl was a Whiskey Girl.”
She rolls her eyes. They continue to talk over drinks, and he begins touching her back as they talk. “Let go to my friends,” she says.
She approaches a circle of her closest friends. Her two best friends motion for her to step a little outside of the dance circle her very drunk group has created. “Who the fuck is this guy, Yanira?” says her best friend Erica.
“I think he is really cute, but in an Ohio kind of way!” says Ashley.
“I don’t know. I met him when I went to go pee outside,” says Yarina, insecure about herself.
“Are you gonna fuck this guy? He seems… weird,” says Erica.
“Erica, it’s been 18 months since Yanira has gotten laid,” Ashley says with a sense of urgency.
“Oh shit, no, you need to get out of here now,” Erica says, pushing Yanira onto Connor.
Connor and Yanira begin to dance, and he is sweating and unable to stay on beat. “Wanna get out of here?” he says. She thinks about her apartment in Bushwick, the dead baby rat on the dusty stairs in her building, the pile of dishes in her sink, and the dirty panties that litter her room.
“Let’s go to your place.”
He hails an Uber as Yanira says her goodbyes to her friends. It begins to rain really hard. “Call me if anything happens!” says a concerned Ashley.
“I will be fine! Ashley calm down.” She gets in the Toyota Camry with Connor.
“GET IT GIRL,” yells Erica. Yanira flicks off her friends as she rolls up her window and laughs. She feels a hand on her thigh. “You know, I don’t know anything about you. What do you do for a living?” she says.
“I work in finance for Goldman Sachs.”
“You work in FINANCE? WH—“ He grabs her face and kisses her in a way they only do in rom-coms starring Katherine Heigl. All her disgusted sentiment in being in a car with a finance bro melts away as she thinks of how long it’s been since she has slept with someone. They continue to make out until the Uber gets on the FDR.
“Where the fuck are we going? Where the fuck do you live, Connor?”
“We are almost there.” They exit FDR and they drive by one Duane Reade after another.
“Do you live in K-town, Connor?”
“Nah, but close enough.”
They approach a high rise building, and in the lobby there is a doorman, an older black man in a suit. “What up, Leroy?! Stay awake, homeboy.” They dap and Connor presses the 24th floor.
“Where are we Connor? I don’t know this part of the city.”
They enter an apartment with a beautiful view of the city, an old sectional couch, and a 100-inch television. “Let’s watch a movie,” says Connor.
“Yea,” says Yanira.
“What do you want to watch?”
“I don’t care,” says a seductive Yanira, knowing that they won’t get past the first 10 minutes of whatever they watch.
“Let’s watch Fight Club! It’s my favorite movie,” he exclaims. The movie starts, and she begins to cuddle him, and he sits up straight and begins to quote the movie back to her. Horrified she backs off. Throughout the movie, she attempts to make out with him, and he gets distracted with the movie and stops. A defeated Yanira dozes off and is only woken up by the explosions of the buildings in the movie. As Helena Bonham Carter looks into the eyes of a bloody Edward Norton, Connor pounces on Yanira. They begin to kiss, and he starts undressing her.
“Let’s go to your bedroom.”
They enter his bedroom, and he turns on a light, and the only furniture present is a mattress in the center of the room on the floor. Yanira turns off the light. They begin to go at it, and he begins to go down on her, and it’s so uncomfortable and unpleasurable she stops him.
“Do you have a condom?” says Yanira.
“Ugh, I HATE condoms. They are SO uncomfortable.” Connor begins to complain about how hard it is for him. She stops him and finds a condom in her purse. When he finishes 20 seconds later, he apologizes, and they begin to talk. “My job is so hard,” he says, “I work so many hours and I don’t even know if I like finance, but I don’t want to disappoint my dad back in Missouri…” She rolls over and off the bed onto the floor. She gets up to pee and picks up the condom wrapper and walks to the bathroom. In the light, she sees that the expiration date of the condom is 10/2017. She gets her phone to look up if she can get pregnant from an old condom and she sees a notification from Chase. “Your card has overdrafted and your balance is -11 dollars.”
She remembers that she never closed out her tab at the bar and the 25% gratuity they charge for that mistake. She goes back to bed with Connor, and his snore is so loud she cannot even think. She takes his blanket and wraps her naked body in it and sleeps on the couch. Later she is awoken by a light and two drunken people in the living room. “Hey, you are on my bed. I am Brad, Connor’s roommate, and I like live here.” She sees a tall, brunette white man standing with a beautiful white woman with blond beach waves.
“My bad,” says an embarrassed Yanira. “Hey where are we? Like what part of the city is this?”
“This is Murray Hill,” says the beach blonde white woman.
“Oh,” says Yanira, still unsure of where there are. “Quick question, do either of you have an Android charge?” The couple laughs loudly.
She shuffles away and goes back to bed to a sleepy Connor who grabs her head and cuddles her but is now snoring in her ear. She gets her phone and texts Erica.
Yanira: Yo I need you to call me an Uber
Erica: HAHAH wtf
Y: No seriously this dude fukin sucks and I have no money
E: Ok dam, What’s the address
Y: I think we are Murreys Hill
E: Who is Murrey ??
Yanira becomes hopeless and falls asleep. In the morning, she is awoken by kisses of rancid breath. “Good morning, babe.”
Her eyes sting as they open because there are no curtains on the windows. “Morning,” she grumbles.
“I had a lot of fun with you last night,” he says.
“Yea, we should totally do it again,” she says sarcastically.
“I don’t know about that,” he says nervously, “I don’t think my girlfriend would like that.”
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