Hello and welcome to eternal hellfire! Thank you for using Our Lord Satan’s (“Satan”) products and services (“Services”), which may include for you a legendary music career, a life lived deliciously, or the devil’s golden fiddle if you really lowballed it.
By using our Services, you are agreeing to these terms. Please read them carefully.
You understand that through your use of the Services, you consent to the collection and delivery of your personal information to Facebook, Inc. (“Facebook”). This information includes, but is not limited to, the status of your Soul; the worst things you’ve ever thought about people you love; and everything you’ve said about other ethnicities to members of your own ethnicity. Sorry but it’s just that Satan has, like, this whole thing with Mark Zuckerberg, you get it.
2. YOUR RIGHTS
You have the right to take advantage of the Services in what may seem, to you, an overly literal manner. For example, if you ask for a “ton of gold,” you may find yourself crushed under a metric ton of gold. This is standard practice in all Lore- and Legend-based contracts (cf. Midas v. Dionysus, White vs. Monkey’s Paw).
3. EXPIRATION OF SERVICES
Upon death, Satan and all His Minions (“Minions”) will proceed to gift you with an endless variety of tortures, for all of eternity, in perpetuity. These tortures will include:
*A river of boiling blood and fire and cum
*Being cannibalized but you never die and it never ends and you’re always conscious
*Forced sodomy with a hot poker (classic)
* Watching the Academy Awards, but the ceremony lasts for a hundred years, and Anne Hathaway and James Franco are hosting, and somehow Crash wins best picture again.
*Your dog finally tells you what he really thinks of you
You might be thinking “wait, if I’m sentenced to hell for eternity, doesn’t an infinite expanse of time mean that everything will eventually happen to me, including good things, including my escape from Hell and this contract?” No. Shut up.
4. VOIDING THE CONTRACT
We’re onto this “trying to beat Death with a chess game” trick, so good fucking luck.
By making it to the end of the Terms of Service, you have automatically signed your soul over to Satan in a binding and irreversible contract. He will have dominion over you throughout the universe, in perpetuity, and you will be His to torture upon death.
I ACCEPT THE TERMS AND CONDITIONS, AND REALIZE THAT I AM FUCKED.