I Love My Boyfriend
by steven polletta
I love my boyfriend. We met in the fall about one year ago at a mutual friend’s party in Park Slope. He was tall with dark features and large green eyes. Someone who could blend into the background but he was exactly what I was looking for. We got into a conversation about the Whole Foods in Gowanus. He thought they were too expensive and of course I love them, especially their 365 brand. He promised he would try and then we exchanged numbers.
On our one year anniversary, I texted to tell him I was running late and got no response. I waited 10 minutes and called, no response. After an hour, I began to worry and that’s when I called the cops. They went to his apartment and there he was, dead on the bathroom floor. He slipped and fell in what appeared to be an accident. When I entered the room, they flipped the body and there were two gaping holes where his eyes once were. It was terrifying and sad. I really felt like he was the one and that this was it. Half of me was sad about what I lost, the other half was sad that I had to get back into the dating pool. I love my dead boyfriend.
I love my boyfriend. We met in the spring about six months ago at a Vietnamese restaurant in Carroll Gardens. He was tall with dark features and large blue eyes. Someone who could play an extra in a movie and not steal focus but he was exactly what I was looking for. We got into a conversation about beef broth or vegetable broth. He said that he loved beef broth because he felt it added another dimension to his soup and of course, I love vegetable broth. He promised he would try and then we exchanged numbers.
After six months of dating, I texted to tell him that I was in his neighborhood if he was around and got no response. I went to Target in City Point and then back to my apartment. After three hours of not hearing from him, I called, no response. I began to worry after another hour of waiting and called the cops. They went to his apartment and there he was, dead on the kitchen floor. His oven was emitting carbon monoxide and he died unaware, in what appeared to be an accident. When I entered the room, they showed me the body and there again were two gaping holes where his eyes once were. A second time and equally as terrifying. I was so sad. I felt like he had such promising qualities and the potential to be the one. Half of me was sad about what I lost, the other half was sad that I had to get back into the dating pool. I love my dead boyfriend.
I love my boyfriend. We met in the summer about nine months ago at a concert at Forest Hills Stadium. He was tall with dark features and large brown eyes. Someone who you imagine their name is Rob and you are close but it’s something else like Marc, he was exactly what I was looking for. We were in line for beer and got into a conversation about publishing rights for recording artists. He said that everything is about social currency now and that there are so many other ways to make money and of course, I believe the money and ownership belong to the songwriters. He promised he would try and then we exchanged numbers.
After nine months of dating, I texted him that I ran into his good friend after work and we were going to grab a drink. I got no response. After that, I had to pop over to MoMA PS1 where he was supposed to meet me for an art party. I called him before I went into the party and got no response. After a couple hours, I began to worry and called the cops. They went into his apartment and he wasn’t there. No body found, no suspicious activity, no signs of an intruder. I waited by the phone for what felt like an eternity but was only days. The cops came to my home to tell me the news, they said there had been absolutely no activity. All his bank accounts remained the same, no use of his TD Rewards Card, no signs of his whereabouts. I thanked the cops for their work and showed them out. I was so sad, I felt like this was the one. Half of me was sad about what I lost, the other half was sad that I had to get back into the dating pool. I love my missing boyfriend.
As I went to bed that night, I looked around my room and began to think about all my past boyfriends. I heard a sharp, loud noise outside my bedroom, like something had fallen. I ran out and my bookshelf was overturned, books strewn around my apartment. I looked around at the mess and noticed something written on my door, I KNOW in large letters and then an arrow pointing to the peephole. I leaned in to look and I saw my missing boyfriend and then I saw nothing.