To all current tenants of 35 East River Drive:
Please do not be alarmed by the Door that appeared at the end of the 2nd floor hallway last week. While we do not know how long it will be in our building, we have reason to believe that it poses no mortal threat to the safety of our tenants, nor to the Modernist aesthetic we have carefully curated here at 35 East River Drive. But should you find yourself drawn to the Door (many tenants have said that they heard their mother singing their favorite lullaby whenever they pass it), please take these suggested safety tips into account:
1. No one who has opened the Door and walked through has returned. While we cannot say whether or not those people are dead, they are likely stuck in some suspended void that mimics an almost living death. With that in mind, don’t open the Door.
2. Please do not leave leftover mammal bones in front of the Door at night. The Door appears to be twisting these bones into skeleton warriors overnight, and those skeletons are likely causing the power outages we have experienced in the last week.
3. Verbally or physically threatening the Door has led to tenants having violent gas and nightmares (restricted to the specific tenants' apartment) wherein the tenant who threatened the Door is a deer and has to eat their family while a crowd without faces cheers them on. So if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all!
4. Finally, please do not paint around the Door so that it blends into our Modernist aesthetic. The Door seems to reject the paint and turn it into blood, which is very difficult to clean.
Thank you for your attention to this matter, and remember that rent is still due on the 1st!
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