Dirk woke up frantically in a cold sweat. His body was swamped with perspiration. His hair was wet and stringy, as if he had just stepped out of a sauna. Clearly this was a live corpse riddled with anxiety. What kind of dream could have caused such concern?
Well dear reader, it was no dream that brought Dirk this dreadfulness. Nor even a nightmare. No, the culprit behind this heightened sense of uneasiness was in fact, a date. Specifically?
……….the 1st of the month.
Dirk breathed a sigh of hopelessness. The 1st of the month always feels like it comes out of nowhere. Wasn’t it the 6th just a week ago? Sure, time can fly, but this always feels more like a speed run. “What can I do?” Dirk questioned to himself. This day is an inevitable part of everyone’s fate that’s unavoidable.
After showering half-asleep, brushing his teeth with the very last bit of gunk from the Colgate’s cap, applying deodorant from a dry stick, putting on an old pair of clothes covered in mustard stains and drinking a fresh cup of two year-old Folgers, Dirk was ready to begin his day.
Dirk was sitting on a park bench procrastinating. Putting something off when he should be getting it over with now was one of his favorite activities. Any chance where he could take a breath and relax, even for 5 minutes, was the closest thing to Paradise for this sad sad boy………on the 1st of the month.
“You depressed too?” asked a voice suddenly out of nowhere. Dirk turned to his left to see Normand, a man who looked like he’s either middle-aged or a 29 year-old having a VERY bad day while high on meth.
“Yeah, I know how that feels pal. I just got let go from my job at Pret a Manger. Apparently there is a rule against giving too many people the password to the staff Wi-Fi. But it’s faster and I just wanted to help all these busy New Yorkers get their important emails out!”
As Normand kept blabbing more about his pathetic dumb bullshit, Dirk started to feel a little easier about his life. The 1st of the month has always made Dirk feel like his life was one day closer to collapse. But hearing all about Normand and his impressively depressing life made Dirk feel WAY BETTER about his sad sad boy life.
As Normand finished talking about his fourth cancer scare Dirk asked if he’d like to get a drink somewhere. Normand was ecstatic to learn that a human being actually wanted to continue an interaction that he forcibly started! “I’d love to get a drink with my (possibly) new best friend!”
Breaking Normand’s neck was surprisingly easy thought Dirk as he carried Normand’s lifeless body down the stairs of his building. Normally when Dirk breaks someone’s neck there’s always at least a bit of resistance. It was almost as if Normand accepted his fate instantly. Neat!
Dirk finally made it to the bottom of the stares and propped Normand’s corpse against the wall. He knocked to the tune of the theme song from Succession on the door and a scary, small man wearing an apron and mad scientist goggles opened the door.
“On time for once I see,” said the scary small man, “really thought I was gonna have to wait until the 17th like last time.”
“This one was easier to catch.” Dirk admitted. “It was almost like he was asking to get killed.”
“Hey, either way he’s perfect for my stew. Good work Dirk.”
Dirk returned with a solemn nod and motioned back towards the stairs. The 1st of the month had come and his life had order once more. Well, at least for another month.
“By the way,” started the scary small man, “anytime you want to go back to just paying me money for the rent instead let me know! Byeeeeeeeee!”
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