October 14th
by greg roberts

Hey! SUP! The name is EDWARD. I was born in the year 1985. Exactly 8 years before the grand opening of the MGM GRAND hotel on the LAS VEGAS STRIP. Why is this important? I’ll tell you why.

MGM GRAND is a beautiful hotel on the LAS VEGAS STRIP with a big beautiful FOOD COURT and POOL. Las Vegas might seem like a WEIRD place to take a child on vacation but that is where I went with my family when I was 8 YEARS OLD. We stayed at the INAUGURAL year of MGM GRAND. My DAD, MOM, TWO UNCLES, TWO AUNTS, 3 OLDER COUSINS. 3 Rooms booked.

On the surface level it does indeed seem like a strange place for an 8 YEAR OLD to go on vacation. But there are BRIGHT LIGHTS, FUN SHOWS, and CRAZY HOTELS WITH FUN POOLS.

This is SIN CITY after all, what happens in VEGAS stays in VEGAS. What stays in VEGAS truly never LEAVES VEGAS.

Little did I know, my DAD, MOM, TWO UNCLES, TWO AUNTS, 3 OLDER COUSINS had no intentions of ME, EDWARD C. KLEIN, to LEAVE vegas. The MGM GRAND needed me there, and they knew this. Please, let me explain, thank you.

We arrive to MGM Grand, smells NEW, it’s hot, it’s poppin’. I was only 8 years old but this felt like I was on TOP OF THE WORLD. We go into the elevator, my dad tells my family, “Hey TOM JONES is performing here.” I heard the song Whats new Pussycat way too much over the next few days. Anyways, I digress.

We are hungry, we go to this unbelievable food court. There was an ice cream place there with over 100 flavors. Crazy flavors, flavors that kids would go crazy for. My mom promised me that I can have ice cream after we eat a proper lunch. We find a big table at the food court that can fit my BIG family. We eat out food, it’s yummy, it hits the spot. It’s good. I need to go to the bathroom, so I get up and go. I’m not worried, I’m a big kid, I can make it to the bathroom okay by myself.

An important detail to this story was the fact I sitting in BETWEEN my mom and dad at this table. I go to the potty, and I come back. I notice that everyone is still sitting next to everyone they originally were sitting next to, but everyone ROTATED one spot over. I am confused by this and I ask everyone why'd they move their seats. They started GASLIGHTING me making me feel crazy. They told me they didn’t move their seats. They were sitting in these seats all along. I was pleading with them, I said I know for a fact I wasn’t sitting in this arrangement. They INSISTED I was wrong. So I sit in my seat, and it felt warm, like an ADULT MAN was sitting on the chair. I knew I was right and I knew something was up right then and there. Why are they doing this to me?

In my peripheral I see the whites of my cousins eyes, gawking at each other, giggling, laughing at my EXPENSE. I see the devil in those eyes.

My mommy took me to the ICE CREAM place, and I thought I can have a heart to heart with her about this. What happened Mom? Why did you change the seats on me? Are my cousins evil? She insisted they didn’t and that they aren’t. "Yeah, she’s full of shit, total shit" I think to myself. She buys me GREEN APPLE ice cream. She whispers to me, "enjoy this ice cream now, because soon you’ll be a part of the FOUNDATION of the MGM EMPIRE.” What the fuck does that mean? I had no idea at the time. But I know what it means now.

I’m currently writing this in the lowest floor of the basement of the MGM Grand Hotel. I’m strapped to a bed, I haven’t moved in years, I have bed sores. I haven’t seen my DAD, MOM, TWO UNCLES, TWO AUNTS, 3 OLDER COUSINS in 25 years. I’m not the only big kid at heart down here. There are other kids of HIGH ROLLERS. I’m fucked, my family’s debt is PAID, they are loving life.

If you ever go to MGM Grand, do not try to find me, it’s futile, it’s over for me, it’s over for all of us. Enjoy the lazy river pool there. Thanks.

What's new pussycat, whoa
What's new pussycat, whoa, oh whoa
Pussycat, pussycat, I've got flowers
And lots of hours to spend time with you
So go and powder your cute little pussycat nose
Pussycat, pussycat, I love you, yes I do
You and your pussycat nose
What's new pussycat, whoa
What's new pussycat, whoa, oh whoa
Pussycat, pussycat, you're so thrilling
And I'm so willing to care for you
So go and make up your big little pussycat eyes
Pussycat, pussycat, I love you, yes I do
You and your pussycat eyes
What's new pussycat, whoa
What's new pussycat, whoa, oh whoa.

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