Red and blue light filled Corey’s Ford Pinto.
“Ah shit,” said Corey as he stubbed his joint.
Corey thought about the giant crystal of pure LSD that was in his pocket. He did the math in his head. Schedule 1...possession with intent to distribute...recent probation charge. The math didn’t look good.
Maybe he could speed up and lead the cops on a medium-speed chase with his Pinto. That is definitely how Corey’s grandmother envisioned how he would use her car.
“FUCK,” yelled Corey as he put his foot on the brakes.
He sprayed some Febreeze like that would fucking do anything and took a deep breath.
Corey thought about that girl he hooked up with at EDM MADNESS, that white girl with the dreads, who said something about her brother being a lawyer or something. Maybe he could call her. What was her phone number again? Did he save the number? Did he save it as “the white girl with dreads” or was he playing Balls on his phone when she was saying her number?
Two loud cop knocks rattled his window.
“20 miles to Bonnaroo,” Corey thought as he rolled down the window.
“Ah, kid. Do you think this is my first day?” the cop laughed.
“It smells like a Cheech is fucking a Christmas tree in there. Get outta the car.”
Hundreds of hours of youtube videos of how to talk to cops and what are your rights flashed through Corey’s head and all that came out of his mouth was “Yes, sir.”
The cop pushed him onto the car and searched Corey.
“Officer, wait. You don’t wanna do that.”
“Save it for the judge, Atticus. Well, look what we have here.” He took out the baggie with the crystal of pure LSD. “We got a saint right here. Making sure everyone’s gonna have the best time at Bonnaroo.”
“Look, don’t touch it. It’s pure LSD. Your skin absorbs it.”
“Shut the fuck up.”
The cop opened the bag and dabbed his pinky in it. He gave it a taste.
“Ooh, buddy. I hope you have a lawyer on retainer because Tennessee courts are going to marmalade your gossamer bibs.”
The cop stumbled back.
“Dispatch, I’m a grandmother that’s mad at your coastguard.” he slurred into his radio.
Corey caught the cop and laid him on the ground.
“I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry,” Corey said to the cop.
“WHY ARE YOU BEING NICE TO ME DEMON MAN,” the cop yelled.
A moment of lucidity hits the cop. “Will I ever come back?” he asked.
“No, I’m afraid not.”
Officer Lewis is now Patient 1432 at Mocassin Mental Health Institution. The only thing that calms him down is reruns of Blue Bloods. He’s making progress now. The doctors there said he’s now able to perceive outside stimuli but he’s very much still in his world.
Corey stayed with Officer Lewis until backup came. He was arrested and eventually sentenced to life in prison.
So that, kids, is why you should do drugs, but not distribute them.
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